Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
It’s been an interesting week for junk mail, both post and electronic. Like everyone, we’re subject to that plague of modern life, spam. This week’s crop at least had the virtue of being amusing. Not the contents of the spam, of course—that’s all crap—but in the method of marketing. Naturally, spam is aimed at idiots; discriminating shoppers aren’t going to choose stock packages, pharmaceuticals, or…um…girlfriends from some random guy, much less some guy who considers concealing his identity from buyers prudent.
The tactics we saw this week, however, were particularly designed for idiots.
Take, for example, this emergency-red envelope labeled “URGENT: Open Immediately.” It’s got some incomprehensible icons on the front that vaguely resemble warning labels, the kind with diagonal lines that let you know, for example, that using your electric razor in the bathtub could end in a sudden life insurance payoff. This is an envelope warning you of critical personal consequences. And by “you,” I mean “whoever happens to read this.” Literally. The addressee’s name has been black-barred with a felt-tip. That’s okay, though, because the second line, “or current occupant,” ensures that this vital information gets to the individual who needs it most: me.
I also got email from someone who “saw [my] picture on one of the web sites,” might be coming to my area, whichever area that might be, and wanted to know if a visit is possible. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t be prepared to let strangers into my home, or to share my personal information with them, just because they’d seen my picture on an unspecified web site, but there’s more to the letter. Tossed in casually, as one might ask how the weather is in…wherever I live, is the closing comment: “btw, I am a woman.” Which is odd, because the email comes from someone named Kareem, traditionally a male name. Also, (s)he is 25.
We also got some investment advice by accident. This email, addressed to someone named Mark, explains that the author has just received (unspecified) insider trading information, and wanted to let “Mark” in on the chance to make a killing on this penny stock. “Don’t tell anyone,” cautions the email; once word gets out, the window of opportunity to invest before the price moves will close. I received this very hush-hush stock tip through one of my subscribed newsgroups. Sure hope nobody else in the newsgroup got the same tip! It could end in an SEC investigation, or, worse, close that window of opportunity before I grab the brass ring.
So the spam has been entertaining this week. Not only are the offers transparent rip-offs, but all three cases find some unique way to render the sales pitch pointless: urgent personal message to occupant, an intimate visit from a bearded Arab lady, and a stock tip guaranteed to be too late. The offers are so clearly bad that I’m tempted to look up the web sites (or, in the case of the envelope, open it) just to find out whose advertising department is this bad. Unfortunately, this would only reward the spammers for bad behavior, earning them a fraction of a penny for a hit to their clients. Also, Kareem’s only contact info is an email account, so I won’t reply there. I guess (s)he, unlike myself, has no picture on one of the web sites.