The New Arrival
Although I am obviously in no position to confirm the claim, I’ve heard that the pain of passing a kidney stone is comparable to that of giving birth. The similarities don’t end there. Like a baby, a kidney stone changes everything, from major concerns to behaviors you didn’t even know you had. Further:
It makes you walk funny.
It wakes you in the middle of the night, demanding attention.
You become reluctant to go to restaurants, movies, and similar public venues, for fear of upsetting the people around you. When you do leave the house, it takes twice as long to go anywhere.
Sex pretty much ends.
The potty, however, becomes a matter of grave concern.
Every minor change is cause for extended discussion, interesting only to you. Major changes are cause to call the doctor. Immediately.
Expenses you didn’t even realize existed appear from nowhere.
You become prone to expressions of gibberish, although admittedly in a different tone of voice.
Deep down, you know you brought it all on yourself.