Grateful Snit
I had a bad day yesterday. Usually when someone speaks of a bad day, they mean a day of unpleasant, usually unfortunate events: car problems, trouble at work, injuries, unwanted news. This was a different kind of bad day. Nothing terrible happened to me that wasn’t already in me. I grappled with demons of self-doubt and lost.
It happens. Everyone’s got their own neuroses. Mostly we deal with them and move on, but sometimes we slip up. In my case, I’ve got lousy work habits. If I care too much about my writing, I lock up, dissatisfied with everything I put on the page; if I care too little, I blow it off. Either way, nothing useful gets done, I get frustrated, then I get discouraged. Obviously, this can spiral out of control. Keeping to the zone of caring just enough is easier said than done.
Yesterday, I cared too much. I worked hard and still didn’t have anything good to show for it. For the past couple months, I’ve been working to an explicit schedule with concrete deadlines. Mostly, it’s given me good results. My output is way up. When I miss a deadline, though, or even feel like I’m about to, the sense of failure can be crippling. Yesterday, it was clear I’d miss one. The feeling that I couldn’t keep up compounded with a building sense that I can’t keep up with my World of Warcraft guild either, and that by the time I get to the end content, I’ll only be piggy-backing on the shoulders of players who have mastered it long ago, rather than contributing in any significant way. The twin frustrations did me in.
By the time Eileene got home from a business meeting, I was deeply upset with myself, and ready to lash out at pretty much everything. That wouldn’t be fair. Instead, I put on a mask of civility, and explained to Eileene that it was a mask of civility, and why I had it on. She understood. We dined together, and then she left me to my snit. Perhaps it worked. I don’t feel good today, but I feel better. My work hasn’t been good, but it has at least happened.
I’m grateful for Eileene. Having fun together—and we do—is great, and what makes our relationship worthwhile. But I’m most thankful to have her when I’m at my worst. Love is a wonderful thing. There’s more reason than mere tradition for books to be dedicated to spouses.