Need a Little Christmas Now
We’ve got plenty of atrocious Christmas music; you can hear every last bit of it right now at your local mall. Be sure to stop by Spencer’s novelties for the raunchy ones. My vote for very worst goes to “Feliz Navidad,” for the sheer aesthetic affront, but an honorable mention has to go to “We Need a Little Christmas.”
The music itself isn't bad, but the manic tone is deeply disturbing; it has the forced enthusiasm of a kid who has eaten way too much sugar and wound himself up running around the house in his pajamas. Peace and goodwill are impossible in the onslaught of aggressive cheer, and the demand that you participate: We need more! Need it! More holly! more fruitcake! more sleigh bells! NownownownownowIcan’tstopmyself! I just hate this song.
So I wrote my own version.
-----
Pile up the fruitcake!
We need some plastic statues of Jesus on the lawn!
More Perry Como!
My pulse is one-oh-eight, but I can't slow it down now.
So I need my medication
Right this very minute
Get a good, stiff eggnog
Put some “specials” in it
Yes I need some medication
Right this very minute
I'm so wound up I'm incoherent,
But I'm still shopping for my parents.
Replay the Peanuts!
I love to see Charlie Brown's wretched little tree!
Rockin’ to Xmas
Deserves at least a dozen Grammies, really, I vow.
For I need some medication
I can't restrain myself
I weigh 'bout twenty stone, but
I'm dressed like Santa's elf
'Cause I need my medication
They say it's for my welf-
are. Need some medication now
Yes, I need some medication.
I sing “Rudolph” to strangers
I watched Gilligan's Xmas
My sanity's in danger
I tore down my garage
For wood to build a manger
Need my medication now.